Friday, December 31, 2010

Dear Scarlett, stop it with the growing. Thanks, Mom.

My dearest Scarlett Josephine,
There are a million and a half things that I am behind on today from being sickly, and if I am ignoring those things, it should be to get some much needed sleep.
However, I am having one of those moments.
One of those moments where it hits me, hard, just how fleeting your babyhood is.
As I nurse you back to sleep out on the couch, you startle, sit up, then nod back asleep with your pillowy soft cheek on my shoulder.
I am suddenly stricken by the unfamiliarity of that feeling.
You rarely give me that baby snuggle anymore.
You are much too busy mobilizing, too taxed with examining your world and attempting to disassemble it.
Much too busy for those quiet moments on Mommy's shoulder that we used to enjoy so frequently.
Your sweet, warm, breath is sweet and salty and that sensory intake cues up the day you were born in my mind all over again.
Every time I feel and smell that milky goodness I am reminded of that empowering and beautiful moment.
Sooner than I'll like, less of what you eat will be Mommy's milk and more will be big people food, gradually depriving me of that intoxicating baby potion you breathe on me and replacing it with stale kiddie breath.
I've come to realize just how sacred our nursing relationship is.
I would be a liar if I didn't admit that it gives me a great sense of worth to be everything in your life because of it.
As physically and emotionally taxing as it may be, it is infinitely more rewarding.
At my breast you are nourished, nurtured, comforted, and even taught. It is a special gift that I alone can bestow you, a responsibility that gives me great joy and pride.
We may not share a spoken language yet, but every day we have special conversations.
With our eyes, our smiles, our back and forth.
It makes me happy in a way that you will never know until you nurse babies of your own.
It's seldom easy in the beginning, but don't give up and rob yourself of that. As good as it is for your babies, its equally beneficial to you and the way you feel about yourself and your children.
I have always been close to my own mother, but not until I had babies of my own did I understand the depth of our bond and relationship.
And though it makes my stomach twist to think that before I know it the tables will turn and you will leave me, I am consoled by being able to look forward to the day when you will you nurture your own children, and renewing my bond with you through that experience.
My sweet, sensitive, curious, inquisitive, cheerful little cherub- I love you so much.
Never forget how special and beautiful and unique you are.
Your purpose and your gifts are limitless and without measure.
The Lord made you with such care, and I am so honored to be custodian of such a life.
Sleep sweet, angel.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Where are you, Christmas?

Poor Tenley. She misses Christmas. Today when I was fixing her hair to go play at the mall she asked, "Go to small? ((small is the mall in Tenish)) Go to small an see SanTA?!"
Then on the way to the mall I was talking to my Mom and Tenley starts singing at the top of her lungs "Holly Jolly, Christmas" and "O Holy Night" only she says "Holly Jolly Niiiiiiight" instead. Some other misheard lyrics by Tenley include "Ho, Ho, It's Mr No, hung where you can't see".

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Merry Christmas to Mommy dos

Mommy got a JoTote for Christmas. It's a purse. It's a camera bag. Point is, it is ONE BAG! It keeps my camera safe and I still have room for my purse-ly things and a couple diapers and wipes. And it's adorable. I love her. I shall give her a name. Any ideas?

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Card

Merry Christmas to Mommy

Best Christmas present ever, little miss "I have to sleep in your bed and put my little feet on you but don't cuddle me" baby is sleeping in the nook of my arm- snuggled into my chest :)
There's nothin better

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010

Fix it Friday

I've started to follow/join a photography blog that helps people develop their photography and editing skills. Every Friday they put up a picture and some tips and everyone edits the same picture and posts links to their edits on their blogs. This is this weeks Fix it Friday for me!

sample image:

my edits:

Santa has a bed time

Apparently, Santa does not stay up as long as the mall stays open. Who knew? Got Tenley and Scarlett all dressed up in their Santa outfits from Grandma Kirsten, but at eight o'clock when we finally got to the Tucson Mall...Santa was no where to be found. Sad day.

However, the night was not a total loss. I managed to get three stocking stuffers, three gifts, matching Christmas Eve PJ's for the girls, and a Christmas Mickey and Minnie cookie plate all for under thirty eight bucks including tax. Can't beat that! Thank you, recession sales! Plus I got a really cute picture of Jon and Tenley that I will post later.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Handy Helpers

We've had a lot of help unpacking!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

sleeping in

Im failing miserably at my 365 project. Its quickly becoming my 41 project.
Here's one that I just finished that I took when I first got my very own not borrowed big girl camera.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Baby in a bucket

She is such a sport. She was so mesmorized by the ribbons. I wish I had a picture of Tenley for this day,  but I was a slacker mom.

 how cute is that back chub spilling out? ^

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bad mommy blogger, bad!

So much for my resolution to blog often, eh?

Thanks to inspiration from my new found Australian blog friend Georgia Brizuela, and her blog Gregarious Peach (which I highly recommend- its gorgeous, a quick read, endearing, and fun), I am going to start a 365 Project with my kids. Everyday I will have  a photo and caption of each of them. I might even throw in a few of Jonathon or me, who knows. Kind of my before-the-new-year  New Years Resolution. So precocious! Did I use that word correctly? It sounded so tempting to say so I just went with it.

I've had this blog entry in my draft box for awhile, waiting til I figure out photoshop so that I can post edited pictures. But photoshop has proven to be more of an animal than I originally anticipated, so I'll just get going on this for now and post SOOC. That's right, I'm learning foto jargon. It means straight out of the camera. I'm just fancy like that ;-)

Since I wanted to start this awhile ago, I'm going to go ahead and post a good handful today.

Also, we've had ALOT of happenings with Tenley's developmental stuff, and I need to update on that. It's on my to do list. Which means I may update you sometime before the end of the Mayan calender. Maybe.
Anyhow. Photos. 

I need to host these on flickr or somewhere to put them on the blog. I hate how small blogger resizes the file. Cute little details get lost :(
Again...on my to do list...

Sweet Scarlett

sweet thing, she loves teddies. 
poor bear, she waves him like a flag.

messy eater. mmm...blueberries
 aaaand she's done

precious little one.
curious mind. 

Miss Tenley

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Sleep Disorder

We had a very encouraging visit with Dr Rice, Tucson's only developmental pediatrician, yesterday morning. We thought we were going to have to go see a developmental pediatrician in Phoenix or somewhere out of town as Dr Rice is booked months to a year out. But as a favor to us for being post a post ECMO patient still in contact with the hospital, a UMC doc *to remain anonymous* called in a favor. I am exceedingly grateful to that Doctor. They will never know how much.

We talked for about twenty minutes with Dr Rice and for twenty minutes she played with Tenley. After hearing about Tenley's sleep for the past year she decided any other problems were irrelevant to a diagnosis at this point. She was diagnosed with a sleep disorder, whether its causal or secondary to everything else, we don't know. Grossly irregular sleep and or sleep deprivation can cause all of her other symptoms, so we can't assess her developmental status til she has been well slept for a month.

She prescribed her Trazadone, an antidepressant which is commonly used off label as a sleep aid. She said I can start with as low a dose as a quarter of a 50mg tablet, up to one and a half 50mg tablets. Well, since Tenley is like an elephant and takes a whole lot of tranquilizing...she got three quarters of a tablet tonight. It is supposed to make her too sleepy to fight me in about ten minutes. Quarter of a tablet at 6:55 pm... another quarter at 7:38pm....another quarter at 8:16pm...8:37pm she starts down the hall toward me for more protestation, but stops to rest on the laundry pile and goes to sleep. She would not give up! Even now she keeps half waking up and crying for a minute at a time.

Dr Rice said once she has had a solid sleep schedule down for six months we can start to wean her off of it and see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers that when that day comes she'll be able to come off of it!

So...that's where we are right now. We will put the "autism" word on the back burner. Which is kind of a relief. I'm an information junkie and I was learning way too much about Autism and becoming discouraged, so I'm happy to pretend its not a possibility right now.

This blog update brought to you, with the time given me, courtesy of....Trazadone :)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hello, Mischief!

Apparently someone woke up and was hungry. Helped herself. Oh, Tenley...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Developmental update for Tenley, October 8th

According to the assessment made by the developmental specialist and speech and language therapist from AzEip (Arizona Early Intervention Program), Tenley was made eligible for Aezip services under the Developmental Disability Program. Our awesome Support Coordinator, Audrie, came to the house today to help us get the ball rolling on the different services and make some goals for Tenley in the program. 

Our three main goals are:
Sleep: Get her to sleep on a consistent schedule and help her transitions into sleep and also waking.
Tantrums: Help her improve the use of her language and communication to avoid frustration.
Empathy: Help her understand what it means for another person to be hurt or upset, so that she can socialize safely and somewhat normally.

She also gave us some verbatim to recite in public when we get those stares or whispering comments when Tenley's having a melt down. "I apologize, I know this just appears to be a tantrum to you and we regret that it is making you uncomfortable. But our daughter is [special needs/ autistic] and we really do appreciate your understanding while we are trying our best to accommodate her special needs in public. Thank you."

When she turns three she will also get to go a special needs preschool based on what district we will be living in at the time. We are going to check out the programs in the Amphi school district (where we live now), and the Marana school district (the area of the rental we are thinking of moving into) to help us make our decision to move or not. I have a feeling we will be moving. After she turns three the funding for Tenley's services aren't paid for through the AHCCCS program, they are paid for through the school district. And with all my experience with Amphi, they're idea of fiscal management is a big. fat. joke and I worry about what they might not deem necessary.

We also saw her regular pediatrician today to keep her in the loop and get her help with finding a developmental pediatrician to make an official diagnosis. She wasn't concerned a year ago but is very concerned now. She is seeing a little bit of what I see at home. The DP in Tucson is booked for a year out, so we are looking at seeing one in Phoenix if our insurance covers it. If not we will go back to the Neurologist for a diagnosis and get on the year waiting list for the DP here in town. The Dr also thinks that while Tenley certainly has learning troubles ahead, she will be very smart and great at science and math. Hellelujah. With Jon and I as parents, you might worry about her aptitude in those areas :)

This is a little overwhelming for me but honestly, I'm grateful to be getting acknowledgment and help. It helps me feel like I'm not really such an inadequate parent. That being Tenley's mom is rewarding and beautiful, but also hard hard work, even for a stubborn toddler. It is a struggle every single day. Every single day I have to draw upon every last ounce of patience I never knew I had. The good news is it's forcing me to become a better person. I'm forced to become more calm, to let go of my pride and control, and to love every single happy little thing. She is my Mount Everest and my pride and joy. Love you, silly girl.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hairs cut!

I can ride my bike with no handlebars, no handlebars

This is me typing with one hand. I'm so proud I could applaud myself,
but I've only got...
the one...

I've got not one, but two runny nosed sicklies. :(
The youngest of which is absolutely bone tired,
but will only sleep upright,
in the rocking chair (which also happens to be the computer chair),
head rested on my bosom,
feet dangling on either side of me.
Any deviation and she wakes up wailing.
Which doesn't bother me so much because I am grateful for anything that forces me to ignore any task that isn't snuggling my ever changing, sweet smelling, love bug, Scarlett.
Except that she has an older sister.
Who is also sick.
Who also needs my love and attention.
Who does not have a pause button.
Who likes to throw tantrums and wake Scarlett.
And I'm going to admit the thing you are never supposed to admit about the feeling you are never supposed to feel. You are supposed to feel sympathy and  want to wipe tears and noses and snuggle when your toddler feels sick.
And yesterday I did. I felt so bad for my TennyBear.
But today. Today I felt like running in the other direction.
I had to remind myself to be kind and patient when I looked at her.
When she threw her tired poor little sick self on the floor and bellowed, my first reaction was not to run to her.
Quite the opposite.
How awful is that?
How awful am I?

She is pretty cute though. I hate that I lose my cool and forget how wonderful she really is.

I cannot wait to have a good camera and add gorgeous, hilarious, inspiring, and clear photos of my children. Of course that should wait until bills are caught up. At that rate I'll  have a camera when we retire. I think I'd rather be irresponsible and have the photos. Oh, to be young and broke.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Tenley's Evaluation

For those of view who might not be familiar with Tenley's history, here is the overview:

She was born in bad shape. She passed and inhaled a complete bowel movement en utero, completely preventing her lungs from functioning outside the womb. Even when on a ventilator, the gunk blocked the oxygen from being absorbed into her bloodstream. Everything system in your body relies in oxygen being delivered through your bloodstream, so this was a huge problem to say the least. She was placed on a machine called ECMO that takes the blood from the body, oxygenates it and returns it, thus taking over the work of the lungs. She made a miraculous recovery against the odds and for all intents and purposes is now "fine", especially considering the things that could have and should have happened.

However, for an extended period of time she was on serious drugs that paralyze your body and heavy narcotic and non narcotic sedatives, including methadone just to name one. Those take a long long time to completely leave a baby's system. I mean a LONG time. In addition to that, they used her right common carotid artery while she was on that machine. Once she was taken off that machine, they cut off that artery because it was too damaged. Since she was a baby and the body has amazing means to compensate and survive, she developed addition veins to help supplement the blood flow. Kids live after this is done, and it saved her life. However, no one knows the long term effect that this artery ligation has with these kids over a lifetime. There have been so few who have had it done, and the oldest people to have had this done as babies aren't even my age yet. No one has studied it in depth. The only thing I've found on it is that these kids have higher instances of learning disabilities and developmental delays and/or developmental and social disorders.

Tenley has always been behind in large and fine motor development so I just go with the flow on that one, but when she was one and a half I noticed a few things that I felt were more different than just "Tenley different". We all know she has a personality all her own, but my Mom instincts were telling me it might be more. I took her to her pediatrician who said at that age she is too little for her to be accurately evaluated for things like that. She said I might just be overly worried and to wait and see. Well, toward the end of my pregnancy with Scarlett I really started to worry about Tenley. She and I were two of a kind, she was my little buddy all day long. I really worried about her adjusting to life with a sibling. So we looked into an early preschool type thing to start her in before the baby came so that she might have something all her own to look forward to. I was really impressed with the Children's Learning Adventure on river and la cholla. It was expensive but they're training is so consistent and they have a huge emphasis on positive discipline and gentleness. Tenley still had a REALLY hard time. She liked playing with the kids and had alot of fun, but she definitely was not adjusting. We switched to five days a week for just a short time every day hoping that maybe if it were a routine, she would have an easier time. Even after a considerable length of time she continued to struggle, but they encouraged me to keep bringing her because some kids who've never been in child care or with a sitter have a hard time staying without family for a while. After about four months the director called a meeting with us. She was so sweet with Tenley, she would come get her from class if she was sad and walk her around and snuggle her, she really cared about Tenley. She explained that she was in no way asking Tenley to leave, but that she was really concerned about her. She was tentative about approaching the subject of Autism and we could tell she didn't want to over step her bounds. She said she's not a doctor, but that they see a lot of kids from babyhood on through kindergarten, and that a lot of the behaviors Tenley was exhibiting were the same as some of the kids there who have been diagnosed with an Autism were exhibiting at Tenley's age. So that's what got us to where we are now.

Last week a developmental specialist and a speech therapist came from the Blake Easter Seals Foundation under AzEIP (Arizona Early Intervention Program) to evaluate her for developmental and social problems. They DO NOT diagnose autism. They observe and assess the same developmental problems and provide help for guiding children with such problems, but they do not diagnose. I can take their official report to a developmental pediatrician and then that doctor will say she does or does not have Autism.

I haven't received their official report yet, I was supposed to by Friday. Which makes me think we need a bigger specialist, because they told us at the end once they reviewed everything we might need to be contacted by someone else. They can't speculate on whether or not Tenley is Autistic, but several times they did say things like, "That type of behavior is common among Autistic children". We identified a lot of Tenley's problems that day, which was both helpful and painful for me. No one ever likes to hear that their child has things that will make their life difficult, even if you had suspected so already.

One of the things they noticed in playing with Tenley is that she has a hard time grasping any concept involving relativity, and conversely she has a superior memory for concrete and definite things. For example, she doesn't understand time. At all. Which to some degree is normal, but with Tenley she can't even comprehend the ideas before, after, next, etc on any level. She has her numbers memorized almost up to 20 in sequence, but the only VALUE she understands is the number one. If she is told to count objects or to give you a certain number of objects, she will hand you some and then count them over and over again. If she hands you three blocks and you ask how many, she will point to them and count, 1-2-3 (start over) 4-5-6 and so on until she feels like she's done. If you say "How many was that?" She'll say "ummm" and then make up a few numbers.

They noticed that she has a problem with two step directions. If the directions involve things she is used to doing in that order then she can, put if you put two random directions together like "Pick up that ball, and then touch your nose" she will only remember one direction or not even try.

She can't fall asleep on her own. Not won't, can't. That was a huge flag for them. Sleep has to happen to her, even if given a melatonin supplement.

We talked about how and also together observed that she has a hard time transitioning activities if Mom or Dad or Grandma etc isn't there. She will if a usual family member is there, but if she is with someone else its almost like she copes by completely shutting out everything but whatever activity she is doing, and then if you try to get her to move on to something else she comes unglued.

She is frequently inconsolable. Sometimes she will just get mad that Daddy is at work and scream and bang at the door. She won't even let me pick her up or cuddle her. One time our next door neighbor thought I was unconscious because she had heard Tenley screaming for so long.

We talked about some problems at preschool. When Tenley was in preschool she hurt herself a lot when she was mad.

Her language and communication skills are somewhat lopsided. Tenley has an incredible vocabulary that is very advanced for her age. Her ability to structure a sentence is delayed, but she knows way more words than a kid her age should. She will babble and slur when she is upset and repeat herself, despite her vocab.

She has an imaginary friend. I wasn't sure about that one so I asked the lady, the lady talked to Tenley about "Coco" and she is pretty sure its an imaginary friend. Which apparently is common in intelligent children with coping problems.

She also has a pretty photographic memory. She can memorize dialogue from a book or movie almost word for word the very first time she sees it.

Anyhow, I have no idea what all of this means. I just know that these were some of the little "red flags" they observed. We'll know more when we get their report.

Thank you SO much to everyone who has shown there support and love and given their sincerest prayers since Tenley came into this world on such uncertain terms. We appreciate it so much and feel so blessed.

Jacque Williams

Monday, September 13, 2010

Running just to catch myself.

I am looking forward to running. Which was supposed to start last week. And didn't. At any rate, I do enjoy thinking of how enjoyable running will be. If only I could lose weight too while thinking about it.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ah goodie, you say. More on breastfeeding.

I know, I'm an annoying, one track mind, "crazy Mom's club", breastfeeding crusader. Don't like it, don't read, but I hope you do.

My great grandma Alice was the epitome of motherhood. When I asked my grandmother if Grandma Alice breastfed them she replied: "Grandma was very active in the community and back then breastfeeding was unfashionable and was seen as something only poor people did." To me, that kind of tells you something about how we got where we are now in terms of attitudes toward breastfeeding. I truly believe that the practice of tenting a nursing child was originally developed to accommodate that sentiment, and is now upheld due to our lack of understanding of its origination and misinterpretation of human decency.

Cloth Diapering

Stay tuned, I plan to soon make a detailed post with pictures on my cloth diapering adventures. I've almost got a complete varied sampling, so when I feel I've evaluated all as best I can I'll come up with some criteria for review and post my thoughts.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

No pain, no gain.

I have a mini nervous breakdown where I just want to hide and cry like 16x a day, and I'm not kidding. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is mine anymore. Not eating, not crapping, not showering, nothing. But oh my gosh, ugh, does my heart gush with pure joy and love 10,000x the magnitude of my sacrifice and frustration. There is not a more sound investment to make in your life. You have to be willing to throw all your chips on the table for your kids, but the return to investment ratio is staggering. You can't get more bang for your buck, so to speak, doing anything else. It's criminal how wonderful your children will make your life.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


It's funny, as an opinionated person who seems to always have something to say...I never blog about it. I put it on facebook if the fancy strikes me, but I never blog. That's changing, I think if anything my blog is a much more appropriate venue for my rantings.

Today's topic: Nursing (breastfeeding) in public. I support it and I am all for it. This is why.

||The Disclaimer
I support a mother's decision to bottle feed if she so chooses, and I won't argue the fact that in certain cases where breastfeeding effects the mother's or child's mental or physical health negatively, that bottle could be best. However; speaking STRICTLY from a nutritional standpoint, breast is best. It's not opinion or closed mindedness, its biological fact. And I do not mean that to be insensitive to those who choose or chose not to or cannot breastfeed, but that is what the scientific research supports.

||The Societal Implications
With that being said, I believe that a great number of women choose not to breastfeed because it is extremely difficult to incorporate nursing into their lives while being "polite" about doing so. Which is to say, to not have to receive looks and comments everywhere they go where they could possibly be seen by folks with disapproving eyeballs and snooty mouths. A sentiment I completely understand, its almost darn near IMPOSSIBLE in today's accepted US society to breastfeed "discretely" and carry on with your life efficiently. I once remember a family member of mine, who is a terrific and thoughtful Mom, tell me that she quit nursing after a few months because she was tired of always hiding or nursing in her car. It became too hard. I have to say, I don't blame her one bit. That's no way to live your life with children. The statistics fully support this little thesis of mine that a lot of us base our decision to bottle feed or breastfeed on our societal environment and the acceptance there of. In other countries it is commonplace to see women nursing their babies everywhere they go, covered or not. It is less offensive to most people in those countries because it is something that people there are used to seeing. It doesn't distract or occupy a passerby's thoughts unnecessarily, because its as common there as seeing anyone else eat.

||The Stats
I obtained these statistics from, whose information is sourced from Parenting Magazine, the World Health Organization, Unicef, and other credible sources.

Breastfeeding Rates Around the World

Country % of mothers who start % who continue 6 months or longer

Sweden 98 53
Norway 98 50
Poland 93 10
Canada 80 24
Netherlands 68 25
Britain 63 21
United States 57 20

For considering ourselves such a sophisticated nation...look at how we rank on this important nutritional and health component. I think as a society we need to rethink our definition of "decency". Clearly, its not helping anyone in this particular area and we can safely hypothesize that it is hurting our children. Overall health, for all the medical technologies and resources we have, does not stack up for us either. I realize that there are other factors contributing to that last one, but I really believe the lack of nursing is a key factor.

||The logistics
For those people that say "nurse at home before you leave", "stay at home till they are done with the nursing age", "nurse in the bathroom", or "cover up, we don't want to see that", I have this to say to you: Follow me to the produce section...I'd like to pick out a juicy tomato to throw at your face. And to those who say "I nursed my children and managed to never nurse so people could see", good for you, if that's what you wanted, but it's not what I want to have to arrange my life around. It's not what a lot of moms want, and frankly, I don't think we are asking too much. Especially when we have the best interest of our child in mind and statistics on our side.

Consider this, I need to go to the grocery store. Simple outing, right? Wrong. I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old, a pretty common spacing of children. I can't just force the baby to nurse when I need to leave so that she's good for a little while, it doesn't work like that. The few times I have tried that, she throws up the whole feeding and gets fussy. So I wait around for her to eat, then I get us out the door. Fine. Let's say its 10:30am. It takes me about 20 minutes to double check the diaper bag, make sure everyone's pants are dry, put shoes back on feet, etc, and get everyone in the car and driving to our destination. It's now 10:50. We get to the grocery store in ten minutes, and we park. Getting two kids that age out of the car and into the store also takes another ten minutes. We get inside and get everybody settled in the cart with something to keep us all happy. It's now approx 11:15 and, great, the baby is hungry. Guess what, most newborns do not eat on a predictable schedule with convenient time lapses between feedings. Some would have me undo all that work getting the kids situated in the cart and go in the bathroom to nurse. Lets dissect that scenario, I'll even put aside the cart situation and skip to the potty room feeding. Here we go. Are you kidding? Yes, let me just take my 2.5 year old and baby and bags, and stuff us all into a restroom stall. This is fun! I'm nursing on a disgusting toilet with loud industrial grade flushing noises going on all around me, distracting, and probably scaring, my baby. And my two year old (like any kid her age would be) is bored and now busy trying to put her hands on every germy surface in the stall. I can't stop her, I'm busy being a polite girl and nursing on the pot. Give me a break. PASS! Let's assume I did that. The time is probably now noon and I rush through the rest of my shopping trip so I can feed the older one lunch, because it's now 12pm and we started this expedition at 10:30am and haven't even gotten any shopping done yet. So now we are rushing, my two year old is on edge because she is two and so far I've just been dragging her around hardly even interacting with her for an hour and a half. An eternity it toddler land. She is hungry and not letting me finish the trip in peace. In no time the baby needs to be nursed again, she is way overstimulated by all the commotion. And may I point out that substituting a bottle at this point wouldn't be prudent. Comfort nursing isn't something to avoid, it's something to embrace. It builds trust, nursing does not need to be solely nutritional for fear of "spoiling" the child.

Also, breast vs bottle when you are out doesn't just make good sense in terms of bonding, it serves another purpose as well; keeping your supply consistent with your baby's needs. Pumping at work so that your baby might have a breast milk when you can't be there in person is much different than giving your angel a bottle when your breast is right there and available. If you are away from your baby, you can mimic your baby's feeding schedule (as best you can) by pumping when those feedings might normally take place if you were with your child. If you are pumping before you leave the house and then skipping a feeding/expression to give the baby a bottle in avoidance of offending ill placed sensibilities, then you are messing with your body's system of supply and demand. You are confusing it. You are adding an expression in between two others and then skipping one later on. For some Moms this is not a problem, but for many this leads to a decreased or inconsistent supply and can make future nursings with the baby frustrating for mom and for baby.

And if you really want to get me riled up, you can tell me to nurse in the bathroom. Did you know fecal matter floats and descends for up to two hours after a toilet is flushed? Please, yes, let me go into the bathroom and feed my baby so that I may have poo particles fall on my baby's face and onto the breast it is drinking from. Not a chance. Unless you'd like to bring your lunch in there and join me. No? Well, ok then.

So there you have it. And furthermore, I will not be forced to separate myself from every social situation every 1-3 hours. My sanity can't take it. Nursing mothers are not second rate citizens.

You should very well be respecting and revering me and my fellow nursing mommies for the wonderful thing we are doing for our babies, but for now we will settle for your acceptance and tolerance, because we know even that is a stretch for some.

I'd like to point out that though I have encountered many rude and uneducated people in regards to my public nursing, I have also received kudos from people I know and from passersby. To those people, thank you. That is the kind of support that keeps nursing Mom's motivated when it gets a little tough. For the others who are ignorant and rude, read this blog, then put it in your pipe and smoke it!


The Good Stuff

Today was Jon's and my third wedding anniversary. Under other circumstances I'd be completely bummed that we were hardly able to spend 20 minutes of it together, most of which was readying the kids for bed. He had to work all day, and I do literally mean all of it. He woke up and went to work then came in the door and laid down to sleep thirty minutes later. And it's not like all this working of his even lines our pockets with any padding. At this point it serves as a tiny spade we are using to try and dig ourselves out of a financial hole the size of the grand canyon. But you want to know something incredible? I don't think either one of us has been happier. More in love. More at peace. Strange, isn't it? A true testament to the fact that happiness in life is about your relationships and your state of mind, and that the whole purpose of it is to grow and change and find joy in the process. Not about ease or luxury or things.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud,
Under the bludgeonings of chance,
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,
Looms but the Horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years,
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
Nor how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
The captain of my soul.

Invictus by Williams Ernest Henley.

I wish all those things were true of myself, but I strive for that.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

random ranting

Completely unrelated to the rest of the post, but, I would just like to point out that I could accomplish many a great thing...were it not for my need to sleep. Oh the things I could do with that time! haha. :::sigh:::

On one hand, I have the cutest kids. One the other hand (as Tevia would say)...there is no other hand! My kids are scrum-diddlee-umptuous.

This photo sums up their relationship. Tenley, wi
th an evil grin, and Scarlett, scared to death of her.



Thursday, July 1, 2010

Living up to my title

This Lazy Mom is just lazy enough to ignore not only household chores, but her blog as well. Though I might have change my title to 90% LazyMom as I have been zumba-ing my hind quarters off. Literally. I've lost over 20 pounds and counting. (Hollaaaa!) ;-D

I am officially a "TwiMom". I Let Scarlett go through some "booby milk" (as Tenley calls it) withdrawl tonight so that I could go see Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight Saga. Hellllo Scrumptuous vamps and wherewolves! Come to Momma.

Speaking of scrumptuous, my always adorable hubby is starting to become more beefy wherewolf than thin Cullen these days. Although he's always scrum-diddlee-umptuous to me, I'm not hating this new burlier version of himself he's been working on.

It's after 2am and Tenley is still up. Splendid. The not even three month old sleeps through the night, but 2.5 year old Tenley....not a chance.

Right now I'm employing the VHS babysitter while I blog. Yes that's right, not BluRay, not DVD, ....V-H-S, baby. That's how we roll. I'm also using a rear projection computer moniter. Gasp! What can I say, I'm just vintage that way. Or poor. Depending on the way you evaluate the fluid volume of your drinking glass. Anyhow, my childhood VHS Disney collection has got my daughter hooked like crack. Every night gown is a "Cindwella dwess" and she runs around the house yelling "Dweams come twue, Mommy!". She's also picked up on the drama in movies. When she's unhappy with whatever I'm doing to/with her, she gets a fat lower lip and a heavy head and wimpers, "Mommy, you can't do dis, Mommy. Don't do dis." Really, its most adorable when we are in the grocery store and she starts in while I'm putting her in the cart and people are looking at me like I must beat her.

Well, Cindarella just got hitched and they are riding off in their's time for me to go before Tenley notices I'm on the computer and I have to "share my toy" with her. Oh yeah, teaching her sharing has bit me in the a$$.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Long time, no blog!

Meet Scarlett Josephine
Born 11:29 am, April 9th, 2010
7lbs 13oz

Her birth was absolutely beautiful. I am a quite the severe wimp, but I knew an unmedicated birth was the absolute best way to avoid a repeat performance of my first birth. (For anyone who doesn't know the story, I pushed for 3 hours with my first and to make a very long story short we almost lost her and she ended up in the NICU for 32 days). I am very proud to say that from beginning to birth nothing went into my body but food and water. I never even had an IV put in. I gave birth in the water, which was actually an accident, but it was exactly what I wanted so I definitely didn't complain. I would never go back to giving birth half paralyized by an epidural. Scarlett's birth was the single most spiritual, beautiful, empowering event of my life and whatever discomfort I felt at times was a very small price to pay. The hypnobirthing techniques helped SO MUCH. Ive had an epidural, and this worked much better and gave me so much freedom. My labor and my birth was in MY hands, as it should be for every woman who wants it to be. In the water I didn't even feel her head pass down through my cervix, only when it was coming down to crowning. Delivery took less than five minutes. I never bore down and held my breath and counted to ten or any of that DUMB CRAP. And believe me, that kind of pushing is CRAP. I just did what I felt like I should do at the time, I can't explain it. Maybe it was pushing, maybe it wasn't. I don't even know. I couldn't even recreate it now if I tried or tell you how I did it. I just gave up thinking and went with it. Warning: religious moment coming. I have seldom felt the spirit of the Lord so strong as in that moment. I was not alone in my body and there was definitely something apart from myself in my body directing it what to do. Scarlett made a smooth transition from my body to the water, still inside her amniotic sac, and then out of the water onto my chest. We didn't cut the cord right away, and she stayed right in my arms. She gave only small, hungry wimpers, no loud crying. When the cord stopped pulsating, we cut it and the placenta delivered itself naturally with no Pitocen. Which was also a contrast to my first birth. The first go around with Tenley they used Pitocen and cord traction to deliver the Placenta and unknowingly left some to rot and die in my body, finally and luckily coming out weeks later. If it hadn't come out, we'd never have known it was even there and I'd have died from a septic infection. This time was much better. Scarlett took to the breast right away, no problem. Oh man! Then came those lovely post pardum contractions that show up when you nurse and stay for the first week! Ouch, ouch, ouch! I was so willing to will away my discomfort during labor, that was a means to an end. I was definitely not as willing to sit and suffer while I wanted to be adoring my new baby and be basking in the after glow of my hard work. I then hit the percocet straight away . Hard! When I asked the OB if it was dumb to want pain meds after I'd gone already gone through the whole labor and birth unmedicated, he laughed, very hard, and said "Not dumb enough to not take them if you want them, and I think you earned it". I then decided I wasn't going to feel guilty about taking the meds. I was so elated with the miracle of her perfect birth that I didn't sleep for nearly three days. I felt so divine that no matter how tired I was, I just couldn't bring myself to sleep. She is a healthy and contented little creature with the most intoxicating presence. You just can't help but take a deep breath and want to melt away into sleep when you snuggle her. Tenley is having a bit of a hard time with it, poor girl. She is really jealous and a little hurt at having to share her parents' and the world's attention with this new little lump that in Tenley's eyes is surely not even half as cute as she is. She does love her though. She is always trying to hold onto her face and kiss her, a little too hard, and share her sippy cup.

Tenley is going to preschool now. She is absolutely in love with her main teacher, "Miss Cassie". In fact we pulled Tenley out this week because Miss Cassie went on vacation and Tenley gets so upset if Miss Cassie isn't there. Tenley is just getting cuter and cuter and more onry every day. Its a challenge and a pleasure for sure. Her little voice is so cute. She's always coming home and talking about "Play wif fwens tooday. Color Misses Cathssie tooday", and at school she tells everyone all about "Baby Scawlett". She also tells them that we are always crying. I don't know why. She always tells her teachers that "Mawmmy's cwy-een, an baby's cwy-een, an Tenny's cwy-een..." She is a story teller, that one. I am just waiting for CPS to call me one of these days after a tale told by Tenley.

Thats got to be all the catching up for me this evening. I know I'm about four months behind, but its time for me to turn in.