Dear Tenny Bear

I am so sorry that I am not a more patient mother. 

It's true, parenting you is no easy task but that is no more  your fault than it is mine. In fact it is less your fault. You just came that way boo boo, and you've been through so much and you try so hard. 

As stressed out and exhausted and sometimes even unrightfully embarrassed as I may get with you, you are working harder than most other three year olds will ever have to, and that is worth so much to me. 

It's really not important what anyone, and I do mean anyone, else thinks of the way you handle things and the way I handle you. What is important is that I love you so much I can't stand it, and I'll do whatever I feel is best for you in my heart. Pardon my expression babydoll, but screw the rolled eyes at social gatherings or at the grocery store, you're doing just fine. It wouldn't hurt the general public to pick up some compassion. 

I am so proud of you and I truly truly treasure you. When I watch you sleep I still see that little baby in the hospital bed. Your lips part the same way and your closed eyelids make exactly the same shape. I feel that same aching in my heart. Back then I wanted to help you so badly but I couldn't, I was at a total loss as a mother. I did only what I could, I talked at you and adored you from your bedside, hoping that maybe you could feel it, and that it might fill your cold and sterile little world with warmth and motherly comfort.
 

I have that same longing now only I have the opportunity to help you, I just don't always know how. I'm trying so hard to figure it out. It's hard to know whats worse, having the problem out of my hands or having it in them and not knowing what to do with it. So here I am again applying that same hope as when you were a sick newborn. Hoping that in place of where I fail miserably at parenting you, that you might be filled with the earnestness of my love for you. That it might help bridge that gap. 

Bean, I lose my cool way more that I should and I am sorry. I love you so much. Forgive me and know that you are my adored first born, and that nothing you do could ever stop me from loving you.

-Mommy

a little piece of our song...

...Little one, when you play

don't you mind what they say.

Let those eyes sparkle and shine,

never a tear,

Baby of mine...